Senin, 26 Januari 2015

[D245.Ebook] Ebook Living Large: The Skinny Guy's Guide to No-Nonsense Muscle Building, by Vince Del Monte

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Living Large: The Skinny Guy's Guide to No-Nonsense Muscle Building, by Vince Del Monte

SKINNY GUYS! If you’ve ever wanted to quickly build 30 pounds of rock-solid, shredded muscle without dangerous bodybuilding drugs, expensive supplements, and long hours in the gym—if you’ve ever wanted to Live Large—start reading immediately.

Let’s face it: You’re tired. Tired of filling your body with bogus supplements that only give you the most expensive pee in town. Tired of busting your ass in the gym six days a week, only to find you’re the same size you were last month and the other guys are twice as big. Tired of all the conflicting and mind-numbingly complex advice floating around in cyberspace.

Before professional fitness model Vince Del Monte became The Skinny Guy Savior, he was known as Skinny Vinny—scrawny and weak. As a “hardgainer,” he experienced firsthand the challenges of bulking up and had a difficult time putting on muscle. But with his success in developing an enviably ripped physique—and helping many others do the same with his No-Nonsense Muscle Building and Maximize Your Muscle programs—Del Monte has proved even “hardgainers” can build an awe-inspiring body. You too can have the body of your dreams when you stop listening to false advice and learn the truth about gaining weight and building lean muscle mass—the smarter way!

In Living Large, Del Monte shares his foolproof, no-nonsense plan for insane muscle gain. His revolutionary program primes your body and mind to pack on your first 30 pounds of muscle in only 30 weeks, with minimal gym time. He even includes customized, easy-to-follow meal plans to optimally fuel your specific body type, whether you’re ultra-skinny or starting off a little chubby.

In Living Large, you’ll find:
- 5 essential training principles to gain your first 30 pounds of pure muscle
- 5 muscle-building enemies you must avoid
- Mass and shred meal plans at every calorie level
- 14 simple, no-nonsense nutrition principles
- The ultimate exercise execution demonstration guide
- 4 supplements that actually work

Don’t waste hundreds of hours and thousands of dollars with no results. Stop limiting yourself and start Living Large.

  • Sales Rank: #89863 in Books
  • Brand: INGRAM PUBLISHING
  • Published on: 2016-10-18
  • Original language: English
  • Number of items: 1
  • Dimensions: 8.90" h x .50" w x 7.50" l, 1.31 pounds
  • Binding: Paperback
  • 256 pages
Features
  • If you've ever wanted to easily pack on 30 pounds of rock-solid, shredded muscle--without dangerous bodybuilding drugs, expensive supplements, and long hours in the gym--you MUST read this book!
  • Discover the #1 secret to achieving constant and never-ending progress.
  • A killer 18-week step-by-step workout program, full-color exercise guide with pro tips, and more!
  • Softcover.
  • 256 pages.

Review
"Having been a ‘skinny guy’ growing up, I wish I'd had Vince's Living Large to guide me. It would have saved me years of frustrating trial and error."
—Steve Holman, former editor in chief, Iron Man Magazine

“Vince Del Monte is a worthy guide for skinny guys who want to bulk up fast, as well as safely. He’s been there and earned every pound. This book will save you time, money, and heaps of frustration.”
—Sean Hyson, CSCS, training director for Men’s Fitness and Muscle & Fitness magazines

“Vince has put together an excellent book on the meat and potatoes of how to gain muscle the natural way. His programming is easy to follow but brutally effective. I think you’ll learn a lot by reading this and if you implement these methods I have no doubt that you will make a change!”
—BJ Gaddour, fitness director for Men’s Health

“Anyone who’s ever wanted to be able to build muscle without spending hours in the gym can benefit from Vince’s simple, no-nonsense approach to building muscle.”
—Mark Sisson, author of The Primal Blueprint and publisher of MarksDailyApple.com

“As a how-to guide, this book contains everything you may need to know. Brimming with straightforward strategies anyone can use to overcome the key fears associated with becoming the Strongest Version of Yourself and dominating live.”
—Elliott Hulse, owner of world-famous Strength Camp Gym

“If I could have a personal coach training me to get bigger each day, I’d want Vince Del Monte by my side. Since we live in different countries, this is the next best thing! Use this book as your personal coach to put on healthy size that lasts!”
—Lewis Howes, New York Times bestselling author and host of “The School of Greatness” podcast

“Getting bigger isn’t always easy, but Vince’s book will get you off to a great start.”
—Armi Legge, founder of EvidenceMag.com

“Vince is known worldwide as ‘the skinny guy savior’ and for good reason. For years, he’s helped hundreds of thousands of men not only build the body of their dreams but (perhaps more importantly) has also empowered them to live large. . . . If you’re a man, this is a must-read.”
—Yuri Elkaim, New York Times bestselling author of The All-Day Energy Diet and The All-Day Fat-Burning Diet

“Vince writes in an engaging, conversational style that doesn’t undersell the difficulty of adding 30 pounds of muscle, but provides all the tools to make it happen. Living Large is a solid introduction to building a solid physique.”
—Lou Schuler, coauthor of The New Rules of Lifting series

“Frankly, it doesn’t matter how much muscle you build with Vince’s advice, whether it’s 30 pounds in 30 weeks or just the extra 10 you need for the perfect body. . . . That pales in comparison to what you will REALLY get from the book, and that’s the confidence and attitude you need to Live Large, get the girl of your dreams, and leave the legacy for your life. That is his true gift to you. Vince has long been a mentor and role model to me, and I highly recommend you make him the top one in your life today, too.”
—Craig Ballantyne, author of The Perfect Day Formula

About the Author
Fitness guru Vince Del Monte been coined "The Skinny Guy Savior." He earned this name by dedicating his life to transforming the lives of the skinny, scrawny guys, as well as skinny girls, and helping them become healthier, fitter, and more confident in their bodies. His students transform themselves to "Live better, Look better, & Know better!" Vince has transformed thousands of lives with a perfect mix of encouragement, humor, no BS, inspiration and fun with his popular bestselling "No-Nonsense Muscle Building" system.

Vince was the poster boy of the "I can’t gain weight or get the girl" story. He became known as "Skinny Vinny." He was 140-150 pounds at 6 feet tall, and the nickname stuck with him all through college. He tried everything to gain weight any way he could, never surpassing 149 lbs, dripping wet.

Vince received an Honors Kinesiology degree from the University of Western Ontario. After college, he found a mentor who “told him to burn all of his fitness magazines and stop wasting money on supplements to gain weight.” Vince’s life started to change. He gained some weight, developed toned muscles, and then met the girl of his dreams—now his wife!

Vince is also an award-winning WBFF Professional Fitness Model and enjoys the natural bodybuilding and fitness lifestyle. He continues to practice what he preaches to challenge himself and inspire his readers.

Most helpful customer reviews

7 of 8 people found the following review helpful.
I started checking out Vince's videos online and I a really loved his "no-nonsense" approach to bodybuilding
By A Customer
I don't normally write reviews for products. I have purchased a lot of exercise books in the past, most of which were highly disappointing. When I heard that Vince Del Monte was coming out with a book I really expected it to be just another cheesy book with information you could find anywhere. I started checking out Vince's videos online and I a really loved his "no-nonsense" approach to bodybuilding. Each video that I saw made me want to run to the gym and try it because you could see the muscle activation in every video he puts online. I decided to take a chance and purchase the book, I mean for the price it seemed like a good investment.

All I can say is WOW!!! I got cracked it open and the first thing I see are all of these crystal clear full color images showing you exactly how to do the exercises in the program. Usually you see these cheesy black and white images that are sometimes really hard to make out. Vince did an awesome job of explaining each step in his program and why it's going to work for you.

Towards the back of the book I saw meal plans, there were meal plans for each of the calorie ranges that you will fall into. It was laid out extremely well and easy to follow. It is without a doubt the best muscle-building book I have ever purchased. I can't wait to see what I look like at the end of the program.

If would recommend this book to anyone looking to get into better shape and improve their physique.

2 of 2 people found the following review helpful.
"Gaining" both inside and outside the gym
By Vlad
Great book that covers all the relevant aspects necessary to building muscle and making continuous progress while staying injury free. In a world full of "broscience", Vince is one of the few knowledgeable trainers that combines principles backed by science with knowledge backed by experience in order to truly deliver outstanding products. "Living Large" is, in my opinion, his magnum opus.

0 of 0 people found the following review helpful.
I wish I read this book before I spent $2500 on a personal trainer!! (DTS Training is a GAME CHANGER)
By Marion W. Cain III
I didn't expect to receive the "keys" to unlocking my genetic potential from a book. I REALLY didn't expect to receive the motivation and mental support necessary to achieve and set my resolutions for the new year. ("If I can say no to an average body, I can say no to an average life." / "Focus has rewards. And broken focus has consequences")

The Mass Mechanics principles clarified many misconceptions and gave me principles to implement IMMEDIATELY. As a result I have been able to help the guys and girls I work out with.

There is a saying "A good teacher is like a candle - it consumes itself to light the way for others." Thank you for taking me out of the darkness into the light!

See all 29 customer reviews...

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  • Sales Rank: #6250252 in Books
  • Published on: 2005-02-01
  • Binding: Paperback

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Minggu, 18 Januari 2015

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Evelynn Woods is finally doing well for herself. She graduated college, got a job as an accountant and found a place of her own. She just might be ready to completely move on with her life and forget all about Hunter Douglas. That is, until he shows up at her favorite hangout spot and turns her world upside down.

**WARNING - this book does contain erotic content although its main focus is the love story**
***If you enjoyed this book please take the time to leave a review. Thank you!***

  • Published on: 2016-01-12
  • Released on: 2016-01-12
  • Format: Kindle eBook

Most helpful customer reviews

32 of 35 people found the following review helpful.
A second chance....
By zoey
I thought this story could have been more, but it was nevertheless enjoyable. It had all the right ingredients for a good story. A second chance for the couple and the heroine in love with her best friend’s brother and dual povs.

Spoilers *********************************************************

Six years ago: Heroine has always been in love with her brother’s best friend. The hero was several years older and has been in love with the heroine since she was 11. Neither has ever acted on his/her feelings. The hero was waiting for the right time to tell her about his feelings. He wanted to tell her after her senior prom. She went to her senior prom with her best friend whom is a guy. The hero waited that night for her return. As the night got later and later, he got drunker and drunker and madder and madder. The h’s sister finds him in his drunken state and seduces him. The h finds them in bed together.

Present: The H is back and out of the military. The h is now a single mom raising the H’s daughter. Her sister went into labor after an accident and gave birth to a girl. She asked the h to raise her daughter right before she died. The H does not know about the daughter. The h’s brother knows that the h could use some income so he suggests that the H rents out her extra bedroom. The story starts here with some flashbacks from six years ago. The H is still in love with the h and tries to win her back. The h is weary and afraid to trust him again.

Missing: The two never talked about prom night or her sister’s role in ruining their relationship. Granted, the two were not dating or a couple, but I felt that the H got off easy when the h said she did not want to revisit that night. This was also after the H blew up and yelled at the h about her sleeping with her date on prom night when believed that the daughter was just hers. I don’t think he says sorry at all about that night throughout the story. I felt like there was some closure missing. I wanted them to just talk about it. I like that the hero tries to win the heroine back, but I thought she could have made him work harder to earn it.

I really like the dual povs. I especially like the H's thoughts of the past and present regarding his feelings for the h.

A recommend. I would read more of the author's works in the future.

33 of 37 people found the following review helpful.
Couldn't get through the book, gave up 2/3 through
By Amazon Customer
Creeped me out that the male lead had sex and a child with the main character's sister while he was in love with the main character. Of course the sister had to die. She couldn't be alive and have his child while he is in love with the other sister. Sorry, once he slept with my sister, he is off limits. Ick!

11 of 13 people found the following review helpful.
Couldn't Put It Down!
By Amazon Customer
For me, what sets apart a good book is how quickly I read it. I made it through this one in just a few days (with four kids to take care of)...I couldn't put it down! The author develops the characters well and isn't over the top with suspense. She keeps you guessing, but doesn't waste any time with side stories. AND, there are nice little steamy interludes mixed in between. The main character, Evelyn, is very relatable - a single mom who worked her way through school and is now an independent young woman trying to make a home for her daughter, McKinley. Her story about having loved and lost, only to learn how to love again, is an ideal that everyone is familiar with. This is her story - taking one last leap of faith for love. But is it worth the risk? This book is a must read!

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Kamis, 15 Januari 2015

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The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, by Douglas Adams

“Extremely funny . . . inspired lunacy . . . [and] over much too soon.”—The Washington Post Book World

Seconds before the Earth is demolished to make way for a galactic freeway, Arthur Dent is plucked off the planet by his friend Ford Prefect, a researcher for the revised edition of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy who, for the last fifteen years, has been posing as an out-of-work actor.

Together this dynamic pair begin a journey through space aided by quotes from The Hitchhiker’s Guide (“A towel is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitchhiker can have”) and a galaxy-full of fellow travelers: Zaphod Beeblebrox—the two-headed, three-armed ex-hippie and totally out-to-lunch president of the galaxy; Trillian, Zaphod’s girlfriend (formally Tricia McMillan), whom Arthur tried to pick up at a cocktail party once upon a time zone; Marvin, a paranoid, brilliant, and chronically depressed robot; Veet Voojagig, a former graduate student who is obsessed with the disappearance of all the ballpoint pens he bought over the years.

Where are these pens? Why are we born? Why do we die? Why do we spend so much time between wearing digital watches? For all the answers stick your thumb to the stars. And don't forget to bring a towel!

Praise for The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

“A whimsical oddyssey . . . Characters frolic through the galaxy with infectious joy.”—Publishers Weekly

“Irresistable!”—The Boston Globe

  • Sales Rank: #837 in Books
  • Brand: Del Rey
  • Published on: 1995-09-27
  • Released on: 1995-09-27
  • Original language: English
  • Number of items: 1
  • Dimensions: 6.80" h x .60" w x 4.20" l, .22 pounds
  • Binding: Mass Market Paperback
  • 224 pages
Features
  • Great product!

Amazon.com Review
Join Douglas Adams's hapless hero Arthur Dent as he travels the galaxy with his intrepid pal Ford Prefect, getting into horrible messes and generally wreaking hilarious havoc. Dent is grabbed from Earth moments before a cosmic construction team obliterates the planet to build a freeway. You'll never read funnier science fiction; Adams is a master of intelligent satire, barbed wit, and comedic dialogue. The Hitchhiker's Guide is rich in comedic detail and thought-provoking situations and stands up to multiple reads. Required reading for science fiction fans, this book (and its follow-ups) is also sure to please fans of Monty Python, Terry Pratchett's Discworld series, and British sitcoms.

Review
Don't panic! Here are words of praise for The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy!

"It's science fiction and it's extremely funny...inspired lunacy that leaves hardly a science fiction cliche alive."

Washington Post

"The feckless protagonist, Arthur Dent, is reminiscent of Vonnegut heroes, and his travels afford a wild satire of present institutions."

Chicago Tribune

"Very simply, the book is one of the funniest SF spoofs ever written, with hyperbolic ideas folding in on themselves."

School Library Journal

"As parody, it's marvelous: It contains just about every science fiction cliche you can think of. As humor, it's, well, hysterical."

From the Inside Flap
"IRRESISTIBLE!"
--The Boston Globe
Seconds before the Earth is demolished to make way for a galactic freeway, Arthur Dent is plucked off the planet by his friend Ford Prefect, a researcher for the revised edition of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy who, for the last fifteen years, has been posing as an out-of-work actor.
Together this dynamic pair begin a journey through space aided by quotes from The Hitchhiker's Guide ("A towel is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitchhiker can have") and a galaxy-full of fellow travelers: Zaphod Beeblebrox--the two-headed, three-armed ex-hippie and totally out-to-lunch president of the galaxy; Trillian, Zaphod's girlfriend (formally Tricia McMillan), whom Arthur tried to pick up at a cocktail party once upon a time zone; Marvin, a paranoid, brilliant, and chronically depressed robot; Veet Voojagig, a former graduate student who is obsessed with the disappearance of all the ballpoint pens he bought over the years.
Where are these pens? Why are we born? Why do we die? Why do we spend so much time between wearing digital watches? For all the answers stick your thumb to the stars. And don't forget to bring a towel!
"[A] WHIMSICAL ODYSSEY...Characters frolic through the galaxy with infectious joy."
--Publishers Weekly

Most helpful customer reviews

14 of 14 people found the following review helpful.
Zarking good time.
By James B.
The Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy is one of the most famous pieces of science fiction in the English language. The story has been adapted into almost every medium, from radio to novels to tv to movies. And it's easy to see why it's so popular. This was one of the funniest books I've ever read.

Guide is primarily about the adventures of Arthur, an ordinary average guy forced to leave earth and go on a journey through the cosmos. He is joined by Ford Prefect, a writer for the Guide, Trillian, an astrophycist from Earth, Zaphod Beeblebrox, the President of the Galaxy, and Marvin, an extremely depressed robot. Over the course of five books, they encounter a wide array of aliens, planets, and towels.

The best element of these books is the humor. Adams is a master of satire, regularing stopping the plot to give a humorous take on everything he can think of. This book is almost impossible to put down it's so funny. The only downside is that he clearly had no idea where to go with the overall plot. After the second book, plots and characters would appear and disappear out of nowhere, and the ending fizzled out. That is the only reason I couldn't give this 5 stars.

This is one of the best pieces of YA literature out there. Have fun.

16 of 17 people found the following review helpful.
Beautiful book and a great story
By Jeremy X Blair
Beautiful book and a great story. I recommend this to anyone. I originally read these books on my Kindle and enjoyed them so much I had to look for something worth displaying on my bookshelf. This is perfect. The design is great, it is sturdy, and the print is a nice size.

9 of 10 people found the following review helpful.
Funny SciFi is Perfect
By C. Posley
I love the books so much that I bought the audio version. (It's hard to knit and read simultaneously.) The first book is read by Stephen Fry, the other four are read by Martin Freeman. If you are familiar with the story, you'll love this. If you like comedic sci-fi, you'll love this. If you liked the books, radio plays, TV movie or movie adaptation, you'll love this.

IT SHOULD BE NOTED that the books are largely unabridged. Three books in and I have found only one alteration. In "Life, the Universe, and Everything", the conversation about the award for "The Most Gratuitous Use of the Word 'Belgium' in a Serious Screenplay" has been altered and shortened. The scene is, therefore, less humorous. I miss it.

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Minggu, 11 Januari 2015

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Sabtu, 10 Januari 2015

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  • Sales Rank: #7771844 in Books
  • Published on: 1605
  • Binding: Paperback

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Revelations of the Dark Mother: Seeds from the Twilight Garden (Vampire: The Masquerade Novels)

  • Sales Rank: #967150 in Books
  • Brand: White Wolf Publishing
  • Published on: 1998-11-19
  • Original language: English, German
  • Number of items: 1
  • Dimensions: 9.00" h x .50" w x 6.00" l,
  • Binding: Paperback
  • 123 pages
Features
  • White Wolf Publishing

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0 of 0 people found the following review helpful.
Five Stars
By Amazon Customer
This finishes my collection

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Five Stars
By Elizabeth B.
Loved the book; still trying to find the rest of the books.

0 of 0 people found the following review helpful.
long live white wolf
By mozaphile
boo, white wolf is no longer. i love this book. was stolen from me 2 times now. this is my last time buying this book(hopefully) I'm so lucky to have found another copy.

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Selasa, 06 Januari 2015

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Dietary Supplements, by Pamela Mason

There has been a steady increase in the interest and demand for alternative or complementary medical treatments. The annual market for dietary supplements is over #300 million in the UK alone, but the use of vitamins, minerals and other products as dietary supplements is still controversial, particularly in relation to their safety and efficacy. Dietary Supplements provides a comprehensive guide, for community pharmacists and health professionals, to the most commonly used vitamins, minerals, and dietary supplements. This revised edition: contains monographs on 72 commonly available dietary supplements; presents research findings on the therapeutic use ofthese products; discusses the law relating to dietary supplemnts in the UK, Europe and the USA; informs on efficacy and safety; covers human requirements and dietary sources of various vitamins and minerals; and includes an appendix highlighting potential interactions with conventional medicines.

  • Sales Rank: #6841488 in Books
  • Brand: Brand: Pharmaceutical Pr
  • Published on: 2001-09-01
  • Original language: English
  • Number of items: 1
  • Dimensions: 10.00" h x 8.00" w x .75" l,
  • Binding: Hardcover
  • 276 pages
Features
  • Used Book in Good Condition

Review
"An essential reference source for the healthcare professional and a useful text for the individual interested in the ever-increasing promotion of dietary supplementation. Highly recommended." Pharmacy Education "Provides healthcare professionals with interesting and up-to-date information on the other less well known dietary supplements, as well as vitamins, minerals, and trace elements..." Journal of Natural Products"

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[F267.Ebook] Download PDF Encore Tricolore Nouvelle 3 Copymasters and Assessment, by Sylvia Honnor, Heather Mascie-Taylor, Michael Spencer

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  • Sales Rank: #5117341 in Books
  • Published on: 2014-11-01
  • Original language: English
  • Number of items: 1
  • Dimensions: 11.34" h x .43" w x 8.58" l, 1.19 pounds
  • Binding: Spiral-bound
  • 160 pages

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[I340.Ebook] Ebook Download Make Something Up: Stories You Can't Unread, by Chuck Palahniuk

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Make Something Up: Stories You Can't Unread, by Chuck Palahniuk

Chuck Palahniuk, literature's favorite transgressive author, gives us twenty-one stories and one novella in�Make Something Up,�a compilation that disturbs and delights in equal measure.�In "Expedition," fans will be thrilled to find to see a side of Tyler Durden never seen before in a precursor story to�Fight Club. And in other stories, the absurdity of both life and death are on full display: in "Zombies," the best and brightest of a high school prep school become tragically addicted to the latest drug craze—electric shocks from cardiac defibrillators; in "Knock, Knock," a son hopes to tell one last off-color joke to a father in his final moments; and in "Tunnel of Love," a massage therapist runs the curious practice of providing "relief" to dying clients.�Funny, caustic, bizarre, poignant, these stories represent everything readers have come to love and expect from Chuck Palahniuk. You'll never forget them. Just try.

  • Sales Rank: #13498 in Books
  • Published on: 2016-04-19
  • Released on: 2016-04-19
  • Original language: English
  • Number of items: 1
  • Dimensions: 8.00" h x .68" w x 5.15" l, .81 pounds
  • Binding: Paperback
  • 336 pages

Review
Praise for Chuck Palahniuk and�Make Something Up:


"Palahniuk doesn't write for tourists. He writes for hard-core devotees drawn to the wild, angry imagination on display and the taboo-busting humor."
—The New York Times�

"Palahniuk is a bracingly toxic purveyor of dread and mounting horror. He makes nihilism fun."
—Vanity Fair

“Palahniuk displays a Swiftian gift for satire, as well as a knack for crafting mesmerizing sentences."
—San Francisco Examiner

“Few contemporary writers mix the outrageous and the hilarious with greater zest.”
�—Newsday

"Few authors have captured the pathologies of modern life quite like Palahniuk."
—Rocky Mountain News

“Chuck Palahniuk is one of the most intriguing writers of our time.”
—Tucson Citizen

"For the first time, Palahniuk collects his short stories, which feature his signature humor, horror, and grit. [The] other stories deal with fire, bodily fluids, malfunctions, critiques of material society, bestiality, a bewitched tennis ball, and a murder at a Burning Man-type retreat. The collection is essential for Palahniuk fans and will likely win him some new ones."
—Publishers Weekly

"Palahniuk comes roaring back from a stretch of experimentalism with 23 tales celebrating his ongoing affection for the macabre... Pathos and panic and penitence from one of the darkest and most singular minds in contemporary American lit."
—Kirkus Reviews

"Even as you likely suffer debilitating motion sickness from the jarring emotional turns on every other page, you’ll be inescapably restrained by an author who knows exactly what he’s doing and has you right where he wants you.�Palahniuk’s uniquely modern style throws out any antiquated conventions that could keep him from destroying any expectations that keep you in complacent narrative comfort."
—Booklist

About the Author
CHUCK PALAHNIUK is the author of fourteen novels—Beautiful You, Doomed, Damned, Tell-All, Pygmy, Snuff, Rant, Haunted, Diary, Lullaby, Choke, Invisible Monsters, Survivor, and�Fight Club—which have sold more than five million copies altogether in the United States. He is also the author of�Fugitives and Refugees, published as part of the Crown Journey Series, and the nonfiction collection�Stranger Than Fiction. He lives in the Pacific Northwest. Visit him on the web at chuckpalahniuk.net.


From the Hardcover edition.

Excerpt. � Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
Knock-�Knock

My old man, he makes everything into a Big Joke. What can I say? The old man loves to get a laugh. Growing up, half the time I �didn’t have a clue what his jokes were about, but I laughed anyways. Down at the barbershop, it �didn’t matter how many guys my father let take cuts ahead of him in line, he just wanted to sit there all Saturday and crack people up. Make folks bust a gut. Getting his hair cut was definitely a low priority.

He says, “Stop me if you’ve heard this one before . . .” The way my old man tells it, he walks into the oncologist’s office and he says, “After the chemotherapy, will I be able to play the violin?”

In response, the oncologist says, “It’s metastasized. You’ve got six months to live . . .”

And working his eyebrows like Groucho Marx, tapping the ash from an invisible cigar, my old man says, “Six months?” He says, “I want a second opinion.”

So the oncologist, he says, “Okay, you’ve got cancer and your jokes stink.”

So they do chemotherapy, and they give him some radiation like they do even if the shit burns him up so bad on the inside he tells me that taking a piss is like passing razor blades. He’s still every Saturday down by the barbershop telling jokes even if now he’s bald as a cue ball. I mean, he’s skinny as a bald skeleton, and he’s getting to haul around one of those cylinders of oxygen under pressure, like some little version of a �ball-�and-�chain. He walks into the barbershop dragging that pressurized cylinder of oxygen with the tube of it going up and looping around his nose, over his ears, and around his bald head, and he says, “Just a little off the top, please.” And folks laugh. Understand me: My old man is no Uncle Milty. He’s no Edgar Bergen. The man’s skinny as a Halloween skeleton and bald and going to be dead by six weeks so it don’t matter what he says, folks are going to �hee-�haw like donkeys just out of their genuine affection for him.

But, seriously, I’m not doing him justice. It’s my fault if this �doesn’t come across, but my old man is funnier than he sounds. Maybe his sense of humor is a talent I �didn’t inherit. Back when I was his little Charlie McCarthy, the whole time growing up, he used to ask me, �“Knock-�knock?”

I’d say, “Who’s there?”

He’d say, “Old Lady . . .”

I’d say, “Old Lady, who?”

And he’d say, “Wow, I �didn’t know you could yodel!”

Me, I �didn’t get it. I was so stupid, I was seven years old and still stuck in the first grade. I �didn’t know Switzerland from Shinola, but I want for my old man to love me so I learned to laugh. Whatever he says, I laugh. By “Old Lady” my guess is he means my mom who ran away and left us. All’s my old man will say about her is how she was a “Real Looker” who just �couldn’t take a joke. She just was NOT a Good Sport.

He used to ask me, “When that Vinnie van Gogh cut off his ear and sent it to the whore he was so crazy about, how’d he send it?”

The punch line is “He sent it by ‘ear mail,’ ” but being seven years old, I was still stuck back on not knowing who van Gogh is or �what’s a whore, and nothing kills a joke faster than asking my old man to explain himself. So when my old man says, “What do you get when you cross a pig with Count Dracula?” . . . I knew to never ask, “What’s a ‘Count Dracula’?” I’d just get a big laugh ready for when he tells me, “A �‘Ham-�pire’!”

And when he says, �“Knock-�knock . . .”

And I say, “Who’s there?” And he says, “Radio.”

And I say, “Radio who?” And he’s ALREADY started to bust a gut when he says, “Radio not I’m going to cum in your mouth . . .” �Then—�what the �hell—�I just keep laughing. My whole growing up I figure I’m just too ignorant to appreciate a good joke. Me, my teachers still �haven’t covered long division and all the �multiple-�cation tables so it’s not my old man’s fault I don’t know �what’s “cum.”

My old lady, who abandoned us, he says she hated that joke so maybe I inherited her lack of humor. But love . . . I mean you have to love your old man. I mean, after you’re born it’s not like you get a choice. Nobody wants to see their old man breathing out of some tank and going into the hospital to die �sky-�high on morphine and he’s not eating a bite of the �red-�flavored �Jell-�O they serve for dinner.

Stop me if I already told you this one: but my old man gets that prostrate cancer �that’s not even like cancer because it takes twenty, thirty years before we even know he’s so sick, and the next thing I know is I’m trying to remember all the stuff he’s taught me. Like, if you spray some �WD-�40 on the shovel blade before you dig a hole the digging will go a lot easier. And he taught me how to squeeze a trigger instead of pulling it and wrecking my aim. He taught me to remove bloodstains. And he taught me jokes . . . lots of jokes.

And, sure, he’s no Robin Williams, but I watched this movie one time about Robin Williams who gets dressed up with a red rubber ball on his nose and this big �rainbow-�colored afro wig and those big clown shoes with a fake carnation stuck in his buttonhole of his shirt that squirts water, and the guy’s a hotshot doctor who makes these little kids with cancer laugh so hard they stop dying. Understand me: These bald kid �skeletons—�who look worse off than my old �man—�they get HEALTHY, and that whole movie is based on a True Story.

What I mean is, we all know that Laughter is the Best Medicine. All that time being stuck in the hospital Waiting Room, even I read the �Reader’s Digest. And we’ve all heard the true story about the guy with a brain cancer the size of a grapefruit inside his skull and he’s about to �croak—�all the doctors and priests and experts say he’s a �goner—�only he forces himself to watch nonstop movies about the Three Stooges. This Stage Four cancer guy forces himself to laugh nonstop at Abbott and Costello and Laurel and Hardy and those Marx brothers, and he gets healed by the �end-�orphans and �oxy-�generated blood.

So I figure, what’ve I got to lose? All I need to do is remember some of my old man’s favorite gags and get him started back laughing on the road to recovery. I figure, what could it hurt?

So this �grown‑up son walks into his father’s hospice room, pulls up a chair beside the bed, and sits down. The son looks into his old man’s pale, dying face and says: “So this blond gal walks into a neighborhood bar where she’s never been before, and she’s got tits out to HERE and a tight little heinie and she asks the bartender for a Michelob, and he serves her a Michelob, except he sneaks a Mickey Finn into her bottle and this blonde goes unconscious, and every guy in the bar leans her over the edge of the pool table and hikes up her skirt and fucks her, and at closing time they slap her awake and tell her she’s got to leave. And every few days this gal with the tits and the ass walks in and asks for a Michelob and gets a Mickey Finn and gets fucked by the crowd until one day she walks in and asks the bartender, can he maybe give her a Budweiser instead?”

Granted—�I have NOT landed this particular �shaggy-�dog story since I was in the first grade, but my old man used to love this next part . . .

The bartender smiles so nice and says, “What? You don’t like Michelob no more?”

And this Real Looker, she leans over the bar, all confidential and she whispers, “Just between you and me . . .” she whispers, “Michelob makes my pussy hurt . . .”

The first time I learned that joke, when my old man taught it to me, I �didn’t know what was “pussy.” I �didn’t know “Mickey Finn.” I �didn’t know what folks meant when they talked about “fucking,” but I knew all this talk made my old man laugh. And when he told me to stand up and tell that joke in the barbershop it made the barbers and every old man reading detective magazines laugh until half of them blew spit and snot and chewing tobacco out their noses.

Now the �grown‑up son tells his old dying father this joke, just the two of them alone in that hospital room, �late-�late at night, �and—�guess �what—�his old man �doesn’t laugh. So the son tries another old favorite, he tells the joke about the Traveling Salesman who gets a phone call from some Farmer’s Daughter he met on the road a couple months before, and she says, “Remember me? We had some laughs, and I was a good sport?” and the man says, “How’re you doing?” and she says, “I’m pregnant, and I’m going to kill myself.” And the salesman, he says, “Damn . . . you ARE a good sport!”

At seven years old I could �REALLY put that joke �over—�but, tonight the old man’s still not laughing. How I learned to say “I Love You” was by laughing for my old �man—�even if I had to fake �it—�and �that’s all I want in return. All I want from him is a laugh, just one laugh, and he’s not coming across with even a giggle. Not a snicker. Not even a groan. And worse than �not-�laughing, the old man squints his eyes shut, tight, and opens them brimming with tears, and one fat tear floods out the bottom of each eye and washes down each cheek. The old man’s gasping his big toothless mouth like he can’t get enough air, crying big tears down the wrinkles of both cheeks, just soaking his pillow. So this �kid—�who’s nobody’s little kid, not �anymore—�but who can’t seem to forget these jokes, he reaches into his pants pocket and gets out a fake carnation flower that �just-�for-�laughs sprays water all over the old crybaby’s face.

The kid tells about the Polack who’s carrying a rifle through the woods when he comes across a naked gal laying back on a bed of soft green moss with her legs spread, and this gal is a Real Looker, and she looks at the Polack and his gun and says, “What’re you doing?” And the Polack says, “I’m hunting for game.” And this Real Looker, she gives him a big wink and she says, “I’m game.”

So—�POW!—�the Polack shoots her. It used to be this joke constituted a �gold-�plated, bona fide, �sure-�thing laugh riot, but the old man just keeps dying. He’s still crying and not even making an effort to laugh, and no matter what, the old man has got to meet me halfway. I can’t save him if he �doesn’t want to live. I ask him, “What do you get when you cross a faggot with a kike?” I ask him, “What’s the difference between dog shit and a nigger?”

And he’s still not getting any better. I’m thinking maybe the cancer’s got into his ears. With the morphine and what all, it could be he can’t hear me. So just to test, can he hear me, I lean into his crybaby face and I ask, “How do you get a nun pregnant?” Then, more loud, maybe too loud for this being a �mackerel-�snapper hospital, I yell, “You FUCK her!”

In my desperation I try fag jokes and wetback jokes and kike �jokes—�really, every effective course of treatment known to medical �science—�and the old man’s still slipping away. Lying here, in this bed, is the man who made EVERYTHING into a Big Joke. Just the fact he’s not biting scares the shit out of me. I’m yelling, �“Knock-�knock!” and when he says nothing in response it’s the same as him not having a pulse. I’m yelling, �“Knock-�knock!”

I’m yelling, “Why did the Existentialist cross the road?”

And he’s STILL dying, the old man’s leaving me not knowing the answer to anything. He’s abandoning me while I’m still so fucking stupid. In my desperation I reach out to take the limp, blue fingers of his �cold-�cold dying hand and he �doesn’t flinch even when I grind a Joy Buzzer against the blue skin of his �ice-�cold palm. I’m yelling, �“Knock-�knock?”

I’m yelling, “Why’d the Old Lady walk out on her husband and her �four-�year-�old kid?”

Nothing kills a joke like asking my old man to explain himself, and lying there in that bed, he stops breathing. No heartbeat. Totally flatlined.

So this kid who’s sitting bedside in this hospital room, �late-�late at night he takes the joke equivalent of those electric paddles doctors use to stop your heart attack, the �hee-�haw equivalent of what a paramedic Robin Williams would use on you in some Clown Emergency �Room—�a kind of Three Stooges �defibrillator—�the kid takes a big, creamy, �heaped‑up custard pie topped with a �thick-�thick layer of whipped cream, the same as Charlie Chaplin would save your life with, and the kid reaches that pie up �sky-�high overhead, as high as the kid can reach, and brings it down, hard, �lightning-�fast, �slam-�dunking it hard as the blast from a Polack’s �shotgun—�POW!—�right in his old man’s kisser.

And despite the miraculous, �well-�documented healing powers of the Comedic Arts my old man dies taking a big bloody shit in his bed.

No, �really, it’s funnier than it sounds. Please, don’t blame my old man. If you’re not laughing at this point, it’s my fault. I just �didn’t tell it right, you know, you mess up a punch line and you can totally botch even the best joke. For example, I went back to the barbershop and told them how he died and how I tried to save him, right up to and including the custard pie and how the hospital had their security goons escort me up to the crazy ward for a little �seventy-�two-�hour observation. And even telling that part, I fucked it �up—�because those barbershop guys just looked at me. I told them about �seeing—�and �smelling—�my old man, dead and smeared all over with blood and shit and whipped cream, all that stink and sugar, and they looked and looked at me, the barbers and the old guys chewing tobacco, and nobody laughed. Standing in that same barbershop all these years later, I say, �“Knock-�knock.”

Most helpful customer reviews

22 of 26 people found the following review helpful.
if Charlie Kaufman and Quentin Tarantino had a baby ....
By audrey frances
I've never read anything by Chuck Palahniuk before, though I have a couple of his books in my gigantic to-read pile that used to sit on the bedside table but now dominates the entire dresser top, and I love the movie Fight Club. So I thought this was a good opportunity to sample his writing, as this book contains 22 short stories and a novella.

First off let me say, pay attention to the subtitle: Stories You Can't Unread. And there are a few you might want to. These stories are rather savage and disturbing, but also funny and sometimes insightful, as if Charlie Kaufman and Quentin Tarantino had a baby. And then jabbed it with pins and abandoned it at a Burning Man festival. The protagonists are no prizes, usually men but not always, but the parents come off far worse. If there is a theme here (besides the mental defects of pervs) it is the brutal portrayal of bad parenting, time and again.

Do you know how sometimes a guy will get drunk and he'll tell the women around him, "If you only knew what guys think, you'd never talk to any of us again!" I feel like this is a glimpse into that world, from a barbershop that keeps pictures of murdered women under the dirty magazines to a high schooler who fulfills an essential service for the school beauties, this is not the way one wants to think of one's brothers and fathers.

At the same time it is creative and sometimes hysterical, adroit and playful. There's even a Tyler Durden prequel, which was pretty good, and there were quite a few punch line endings. I rated each story and came up with an average of 6.3/10. I enjoyed these stories, but also dreaded going back to the book, not sure if the next story would have me laughing or wanting to take a shower, or both. If you don't enjoy challenging reading, I would leave this alone, and even adventurous readers may find themselves pushing their limits.

While the back cover says this work "spans more than a decade", there is no information or commentary with the stories individually or the book as a whole, which would have been nice, though I can see the author might just want the work to speak for itself.

19 of 23 people found the following review helpful.
Dig for that Gem!
By Dr. E
I have loved Chuck Palahniuk since I read "Guts" as an undergraduate. That short story is one that remains with readers ... for life. I love the anecdote of Palahniuk conducting live readings of the piece and watching folks pass-out cold. If you have not read "Guts" ... get to it! Therefore, when I saw this collection, I was stoked.

As with all short-stories collections, there will favorites and there will be "not-so-favorites." For me, I approach a collection such as this with the hope of finding one new breathing-taking piece that speaks to me. (And, then, I'll probably make a PDF of it and share it with my students). So think of reading this collection like searching for gem in the mountain-side ... you'll get an awful lot of dirt, but there might that perfect specimen somewhere in there.

Now, obviously, many love Palahniuk for Fight Club (and for good reason). If your experience with this author is confined to that nuanced, complex piece of literature, do know that you won't find the same cavalcade postmodern delights here. Instead, you will probably find stories that make you truly uncomfortable (and that you will repeatedly consider abandoning). The discomfort here is pretty prevalent; therefore, if you do not enjoy being push outside of your comfort zone, you might find this experience unbearable. (The language and imagery is graphic. Not "Breaking Bad graphic" ... but truly, genuinely graphic).

I teach film and literature for a living (at the college-level). Some of these stories challenged my own tolerance ... one, in particular, I barely finished (and felt no catharsis or resolution at the conclusion ... which is fine ... that hollow feeling shows that Palahniuk is able to conjure those complex emotions).

If you revel in the bleakness of Bret Easton Ellis, this collection might work for you. Dig for that gem!

13 of 16 people found the following review helpful.
Without a doubt a must read for fans of Chuck Palahniuk, the rest of us should approach with caution…
By R.Suarez
"Build it. Burn it. Build it. Burn it. Worship and Destroy. The festival was civilization on Fast-Forward."
- Torcher

While I was familiar with Chuck Palahniuk, from the movie 'Fight Club', I had never read any of his books. A friend of mine, who is a longtime fan, always suggested that if I was to read one of his books I should approach it with caution. I decided to start this review by sharing the advise he gave me years ago.

'Make something up' is a compilation of 22 stories written throughout a decade (I understand some of these have been published before) As such, some of these tales suffer when compared to one another, there are some very good ones and some others feel like filler material. The opening story, 'Knock, knock', does a great job preparing the readers on what to expect from the rest of the book, what at first seems like a heart-warming story about a guy and his father, turns into a chaotic situation in the end.

The product description labels these stories as funny, caustic, bizarre and poignant. In my opinion? Those labels fall short to describe this work. Some of these stories you will wish you could unread. After reading the book and actually enjoying most of it I found myself wondering what does that say about me?

Either way, the humor and social commentary I enjoyed so much from 'Fight Club' is present throughout the book. Characters questioning their purpose and very existence while committing the most devious acts (some in the name of love) are the common denominator in these stories.

I do not mean to spoil anything so I don't want to get into details, having said that, 'Expedition' is being mentioned everywhere as it represents the return of Tyler Durden in a story prior to 'Fight Club', do not go into it expecting too much like I did, the story is quite god but my expectation was so high that the end result was a little bit underwhelming. There are some other good stories in this book, 'Zombies' is one of them, 'Why Coyote never had money for parking', 'Torcher' and my favorite, 'Inclinations'.

Enjoyable overall, it is without a doubt a must read for fans of Chuck Palahniuk, the rest of us should approach with caution...

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